In Absentia

Father is currently gone, trying to research something or other in the jungles of Louisiana, leaving me alone in the bunker. It started out all right, and there were plenty of nice guys to talk to, then GIR went off with Steve and it all went wrong.

First there was coming in Monday morning to find that all the koi fish had died sometime over the weekend, during that heat wave we had. It was not pleasant.

Then, worst of all, was that horrible experience in the kitchen. Captain Gin asked me to help out with a new dish, I can't remember quite what it was, except it was flambe something. One thing led to another and all of a sudden I was on fire! My lovely, lovely hair, up in flames!

Now I'm stuck here with GIR and GIR won't stop asking me about my hair. Ugh. Father needs to get back and he needs to get back now.

While the Master's Away, the Minions Will Play

Whew, the past two months have flown by. With Iron John's absence, the minions got up to shenanigans, many of which were flammable, and all of which resulted in a steady stream of patients. Evie and I have been so busy wrapping, stitching, smearing ointment, and checking pulses that I've fallen behind on my reports and have had no time at all for any projects.

On the bright side, the sudden surge in patient load also indicates that the gala was a grand success since the minions are no longer avoiding the infirmary.

Recuperating

I'd like to send out a formal thank you to all of the minions who sent cards, flowers, small mammals, and good wishes while I was ill. After all my best efforts at containment, a particularly potent strain of cowpox has had me bedridden ever since the day after the gala.

Luckily, Evie has been managing routine matters in my absence and there have been no major emergencies this past week.

I should be back to my usual duties within the next few days. The koi have quite enjoyed the small mammals. Thanks again,
-Dr. Foxtrot

Post-Gala Report

I am pleased to say that the Grand Opening Gala was quite the event. We had a good minion turn out and completely ran out of tongue depressors. I wore a pair of gloves to keep my hand from being cold, though they did get badly stained with fruit punch.

Evie and I both feel that we've made a positive stride forward in PR here at the bunker. A couple of minons even requested that Evie take their blood pressure. Some irregularities there, by the way, I must look into it.

I am quite pleased, as well, at the number of minions who volunteered to stay after the gala and help Evie tidy up. At the rate they're going, the infirmary should be spotless in no time.

Addendum to Previous Report

Greatest apologies, Iron John. My previous report was prematurely cut off by GIR as he rushed to aid Minion 23 in letting go of Evie. In the commotion, GIR caught the power cable and ripped it loose from the outlet.

My final note, completed: Perhaps I should begin work on a combination vaccine for *Ebola, Polio, and cowpox.

*I think it would be impractical to add the Black Death to the combination at this time as it is expensive.

**Unless you decide otherwise, I will likewise not include the chicken pox vaccine. I seem to recall you making a comment the other day about the comedic value of chicken pox, and I would not want to deprive you of your entertainment.

Amended Gala Menu

Due to an incident in the kitchen, the catering for the Grand Opening Gala has been significantly restricted. However, our extra shipment of tongue depressors has arrived on time and Red Shirt's condition has been stablized.

With Evie's help and supervision, GIR has begun putting up decorations for the party. Torbjorn, who proved so useful in refurbishing the operating room, has not returned since he and Evie had a discussion yesterday afternoon. I get the impression they've had a falling out, but all Evie cares to say about it is that they've "grown apart."

Minion 23 has been making constant visits to the infirmary in the past two days. After cessation of treatments with my first serum, the lactation has stopped. I can find no reason for his visits, but he keeps insisting that he needs Evie to give another shot. While I find no evidence of it in his charts, he insists that he is behind on his vaccinations. He refuses to let me administer the injections, citing the coldness of my hands as the reason.

Today alone Minion 23 has been vaccinated for smallpox, Ebola, polio, cowpox, and the Black Death. Minion 23 is looking rather unsteady on his feet. Evie has offered to help him into a chair, and he seems to be having trouble letting go of her. Hrm... must be an vaccine interaction problem. Perhaps I should begin work on--

Grand Opening Gala

Evie and I are nearing the end of our second week at the secret bunker, and I am quite pleased with all we've managed to accomplish already. I have succeeded in Iron John's first major project and with only minor side effects.

Still, Evie is quick to remind me of our somewhat shaky and fear-inspiring start here. She has recommended we have a grand opening gala in order to show the minions our non-needle side. Evie has always been talented in the arena of good relations, (a number of the minions already seem quite taken with her), and I've decided to heed her advice. Next Friday we'll have our official grand opening, with free tongue depressors for all who come.

I've already spoken with the head catering minion to arrange for food. It should be quite the feast: cheeseburgers (though no hamburgers, they're currently out of stock), hot dogs, twinkies, pudding cups (I specially requested them, knowing they are Iron John's favorite), cake, ice cream, and duck flambe.

Iron John has ordered Minion GIR to help with the decorations. While I would never dare question Iron John's judgement, I do foresee a need to have Evie him strictly supervised while the streamers and balloons are going up.

Minion Downsizing: Success!

After extensive analysis and testing of the flannel samples, I have developed a successful minion downsizing formula. I tested it first on Minion Red Shirt when he returned from his inter-dimensional travel, and he is now back to normal size. I just finished injecting the remaining affected* minions**, and they're already showing improvement.

*Iron John approved Minion Brad's continued treatment of first formula. Brad has asked Evie for help in finding a suitable brassiere.

**Minion HJ-4242 remains unsighted. Dollhouse furniture has been rearranged and the living room has been repainted with left-over taupe from the operating room. Both of these took place during the night when no one was present to witness the minion's movements. I'll inquire about surveillance cameras.

Operating Room Repairs Underway

Since Torbjorn was spending so much time in the office anyway, I set him to work on repairing the operating room. Along with a handful of constructionally-talented minions, they're making quick work of it. If all goes well, it may be ready by the end of the week.

After the incident with the exam room, I decided it would be best to have Evie supervise closely while I am occupied with the project of downsizing minions. She was quite willing to undertake the responsibility and has been keeping close tabs on the construction crew.

Minion Downsizing: Testing 1.5

Progress notes for first round of testing.

Minion 23
Negative growth stopped. Adjusted dosage. Minion 23 has begun lactating.

Minion Brad
Lactation has continued. No other apparent change. Brad has requested continued treatment so that he may make extra money as a part-time wetnurse. I've forwarded Brad's request to Iron John for approval.

Minion HJ-4242
Still have not located minion, though dollhouse bed looked rumpled this morning.

Minion Red Shirt
Doubled espresso dosage, with addition of chocolate syrup. Minion's vibrations dramatically changed frequency, causing him to synch up with the frequency signature of an alternate dimension and suddenly disappear from this one. Expect minion's return when caffeine wears off.

*Note: Flannel samples are proving even more helpful than expected. I should have a new batch of tests ready early this week.

**Extra note: Torbjorn has been in the offices constantly the past couple of days. It's beginning to become a frustration. He keeps asking me to tell him the names of the koi fish every time I try and follow up on canceled appointments for annual physicals.

Minion Downsizing: 1st Tests

As per Iron John's instructions, I've begun work on restoring the accidentally enlarged minions to their normal sizes.

Test 1
Subject: Minion 23
Procedure: Injected minion with chemical to reverse effects of pituitary gland.
Result: Initially promising. Minion has already lost a quarter inch of height since last night.

Test 2
Subject: Minion Brad
Procedure: Injected minion with different chemical to affect pituitary gland.
Result: Minion woke this morning to discover he had begun lactating. No other changes observed. Will continue test for forty-eight hours to watch for additional effects.

Test 3
Subject: Minion HJ-4242
Procedure: Treated minion with laser therapy from the shrink-ray I found in storage.
Result: After the glow cleared, was unable to find minion. Must remember to look for shrink-ray instruction booklet. In meantime, have left out dollhouse for the minion.

Test 4
Subject: Red Shirt
Procedure: Treated minion with large doses of espresso (approx. one gallon over a period of two hours) to stunt growth.
Result: Inconclusive. Minion has developed a blurry outline, height measurements currently impossible due to vibrations.

For the time being, I will continue to monitor the status of the initial testing subjects and spend the rest of the day in the lab analyzing the blood, urine, hair, and flannel samples taken from a sampling of super-sized minions.

Bedside Manner

It seems many of the minions are reluctant to go through with their annual physicals. Half of the appointments over the next couple of days have suddenly been canceled. I fear it may have something to do with Iron John and Captain Gin's reluctance. The others have followed their leads, it would appear.

Evie, however, has an alternate theory. She says the problem is with my bedside manner and the chilliness of my hands. And here I thought the flu shots went well today. Evie says it's all about PR.

Note: Work on building better public image. I need to ensure that the minions see me as friendly and approachable. (Perhaps stock up on popsicles for patients, I hear the green ones are popular)

Catching Up

In creating the new filing system, I had the chance to look at the current medical files for much of the staff. Disappointingly, it seems that most of the staff are far overdue for their annual physicals.

It seems I got here just in time. There's quite a lot of catching up to do before I can get started on any special projects. Evie's been on the phone all morning, calling minions and scheduling appointments. She's maybe half way done and already my next few days are booked solid.

Well, it will be good to meet so many of my colleagues, in any event. Unfortunately, there's no time to redo the exam room before it's needed. In fact, Evie's flagging me down right now, it seems my 2:30 is ready for me.

Exam Room Repairs

My first goal in getting the lab and medical offices ready for daily use is repairing the exam room. Yesterday morning I meant to enlist Evie's help, and possibly Torbjorn's, but could find neither of them. While I was looking, minion GIR offered assistance.

After explaining what I wanted done, I got to work on the filing system and he found a couple of other minions to help, assuring me that the work would be finished by the end of the day. I was impressed, to say the least.

By four o'clock, the construction noises had stopped and GIR bounced into my office to inform me that the exam room was finished. He blindfolded me, led me in, and did a drumroll on his chassis before letting me see. The results were... not what I expected.

*I've included a transcription of the following conversation, taken from Iron John's covert minion-surveillance system*

GIR: You like?
Dr. F: Um...
GIR: It's green!
Dr. F: I asked you to put in gray linoleum.
GIR: Green is better.
Dr. F: It's shag carpeting.
GIR: Yes!
Dr. F: You've got to take out the carpet.
GIR: (silent)
Dr. F: And I said the walls needed to be repainted to cover the scorch marks.
GIR: No, we had to keep the scorch marks. Very chic.
Dr. F: That is not acceptable. You really must take out the carpet and paint the walls.
GIR: TV time!
(sound of door opening and shutting)
Dr. F: GIR! Come back!
(pause, followed by a sigh)
Dr. F: I've gotta say, I do rather like the skylight, though.

Patient Torbjorn: Initial Exam, Badger Wounds

Most excellent. Evie and I have only been here for a day and already we've received our first patient. While the exam room was not yet ready to receive patients, the hallway and a step stool proved adequate to the task. [Torbjorn informed me that a stick of dynamite was exploded as part of a practical joke, which explains the disintegrated nature of the exam table, the scorch marks, and the crater in the floor]

Description of injury: The various badger bites and scratches were generally not deep and hardly any were infected, though they covered the majority of his body surface.

Course of treatment: I instructed Evie to apply a topical ointment, the remaining tube of which was given to the patient with instructions on further application. Evie volunteered to help him, if he should have any trouble applying on his own. Torbjorn was eager for her help and quickly instructed her on the location of his bunk.

Additional notes: Though he did not say so directly, I was able to realize that the badger incident has left Torbjorn with a touch of paranoia and mistrust of his colleagues. I sprinkled him in lavender water to calm his nerves.

Additional, additional notes: Keep an eye on Torbjorn to monitor the state of his psyche. Evie has already offered to check in on him daily.

Arrival Report

After weeks of researching a variety of locations and intensive interviewing, I finally decided to accept the position as medical supervisor here at the secret bunker. Though, now that I've arrived and gotten my first look at the facilities, I have begun to think that Iron John exaggerated ever-so-slightly in his description.

Either that, or "The latest in medical equipment and technology" doesn't mean what he thinks it does. Alas, it is too late to return home as the house has already been sold and the cross country train tickets were one way only.

The lab is a mess and covered in what appears to be a combination of badger hair and human growth hormone. There are broken test tubes everywhere, stains on the walls, and a generous coating of dust over everything. Clearly there is much cleaning to be done before I can even begin my real work.

Evie has already put on an apron and pulled out a pair of yellow rubber gloves. The way she cleans a microscope reminds me why I fell in love with her mother. She seems determined to make a home here, brave soul. Ah, what would I do without her?